Nah, I’ll Stick to Writing

I was sitting in my car the other day, waiting for the light to change, and I noticed a sign twirler on the corner. He was a young man, wild and frizzy yellow hair, who probably loved sun and surfing when he wasn’t twirling. He tossed the sign five feet in the air, spun it, flipped it and caught it before I could even see what the sign said. Not much good for advertising, since the sign twirler was that good.

The light changed and as I drove off I wondered how I would do as a sign twirler. Not good, my husband said. Not because I was too old, not that agile or deft at spinning. No, not good because I wouldn’t do well looking like a fool. That made me think of other jobs for which I would not be suited. Here are a few. Think about how you would do:

1. Hot Dog Vendor. I used to love getting a hot dog on the streets of NYC and don’t they always look delicious on Law & Order? (They actually are!) Still, could I sell them? The cooking part, no problem. The social chit chat, no problem. Until a disgruntled customer came along. Then I’d probably tell him or her where to go. Hmm, maybe I would be okay . . . in NYC. Fuhgeddaboutit.

2. Mad Bull Ride Operator. We just came back from a Street Fair where there was a, yes, Urban Cowboy-like Mad Bull Ride. As I watched, about ten people rode. All ten fell off in less than ten seconds. A good way to get your frustrations out, however, for the operator. Particularly if the rider gave you the stink eye. Grab that joystick. Left-right, pitch, yaw, down ya go. Eeeha!

3. Phone Psychic. Now this is a distinct possibility. I have few psychic, or is that psycho, abilities, but if you’re on the phone, who would know? I could write a script, ready-made for the caller. Let’s see, young woman looking to find rich husband. Older woman looking to find rich husband. Obviously rich husbands are in short supply. Business exec trying to get ahead. I could do this psychic thing. Biggest problem — I’d be bored silly waiting for the phone to ring.

4. Live Mannequin or Human Statue. You know these amazing people who can hold a pose for minutes at a time, without blinking or sneezing. Like the one I’m standing near in Avignon, France. This, I can say, with all honesty, I could not . . . nay, could never do. I can’t stay still for 30 seconds, let alone minutes. Eeeek.

5. Snake Milker. This job caught my eye when I looked up unusual jobs. No wonder. Now, I’m an animal lover. I even love snakes. But I draw the line here. Eeegads. What more can I say?

6. Central Park Gondolier. When I was in Venice last year, I watched from the many bridges the gondoliers rowing by with their tourists. Looks like a fun and easy occupation, right? Until you remember they must clean the gondolas top to bottom and the bottom is underwater. I have a thing about going underwater. Especially dirty water. Maybe the water is cleaner in Central Park than Venice, but I think I’ll pass.

So, in the end, I’ve made my decision. I’ll stick to writing.