Making Fun of the English Language

Making Fun of the English Language

Once again, The Washington Post has published the winning submissions to its yearly contest, in which readers are asked to supply alternative meanings for common words. You will love the winners!

  1. Coffee (N.), the person upon whom one coughs.
  2. Flabbergasted (adj.), appalled over how much weight you have gained.
  3. Abdicate (V.), to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.
  4. Esplanade (V.), to attempt an explanation while drunk.
  5. Willy-nilly (Adj.), impotent.
  6. Negligent (Adj.), describes a condition in which you absentmindedly answer the door in your nightgown.
  7. Lymph (V.), to walk with a lisp.
  8. Gargoyle (N.), olive-flavored mouthwash.
  9. Flatulence (N.) emergency vehicle that picks you up after you are run over by a steamroller.
  10. Balderdash (N.), a rapidly receding hairline.
  11. Testicle (N.), a humorous question on an exam.
  12. Rectitude (N.), the formal, dignified bearing adopted by proctologists.
  13. Pokemon (N), a Rastafarian proctologist.
  14. Oyster (N.), a person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddishisms.
  15. Frisbeetarianism (N.), (back by popular demand): The belief that, when you die, your Soul flies up onto the roof and gets stuck there.
  16. Circumvent (N.), an opening in the front of boxer shorts worn by Jewish men.

 

The Washington Post’s Style Invitational also asked readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing one letter, and supply a new definition. Here are this year’s winners:

  1. Bozone (N.): The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.
  2. Foreploy (V): Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of getting laid.
  3. Cashtration (N.): The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period.
  4. Giraffiti (N): Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.
  5. Sarchasm (N): The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn’t get it.
  6. Inoculatte (V): To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.
  7. Hipatitis (N): Terminal coolness.
  8. Osteopornosis (N): A degenerate disease. (This one got extra credit.)
  9. Karmageddon (N): It’s like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it’s like, a serious bummer.
  10. Decafalon (N.): The grueling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you.
  11. Glibido (V): All talk and no action.
  12. Dopeler effect (N): The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.
  13. Arachnoleptic fit (N.): The frantic dance performed just after you’ve accidentally walked through a spider web.
  14. Beelzebug (N.): Satan in the form of a mosquito that gets into your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.
  15. Caterpallor (N.): The color you turn after finding half a grub in the fruit you’re eating.

And the pick of the literature:

  1. Ignoranus (N): A person who’s both stupid and an asshole.
Travel Will Make You a Better Writer.

Travel Will Make You a Better Writer.

As a writer, being observant of your surroundings is paramount in creating an authentic environment. I wanted to share one of my travel experiences with you to illustrate what I mean.

Several years ago, I spent two weeks traveling in the Pacific Northwest.  Starting in Canada and ending in the U.S., I found myself anxious to start scribbling ideas for a future book.  The settings were amazing, from large, modern cities, to small, more manageable ones.  From dense rain forests to rocky coastlines.  From museums, to sky towers, to suspension bridges and ziplines, the backdrops are there for a new book.

But just as important as settings, were the people.   We’re all familiar with the concept, true or not, that often people resemble their dogs (or vice versa.)  Well, I can testify to the fact that people “resemble” the place they live in.

In cities like Vancouver, BC, I noticed that people were more formally dressed (at least the working locals.)  They had sharp edges to their clothes, suits, shoes, just like the tall, glass, high-rises of the downtown.  They didn’t meet your eye as they brushed past you in the street (much like NYC, where I grew up.)

Victoria, BC, was quite a bit different.  Without the tall skyscrapers, people seemed more intent on immediate surroundings, including nodding at passersby.  The buildings were shorter and stouter and had a very British feel.  So did the locals.  You can take that to mean whatever you like.

From Canada we ferried across to Washington and then drove to Olympic National Park.  Amazing crystal clear lakes, thick and tall evergreen forests that blocked out the sun, and myriad green colors that could shame Scotland.  Most folks were travelers like us so we couldn’t discern any particular likeness to the environment.  Oddly, the few natives seemed to not know much about other parts of the Park.  So they worked and played in one area only.  I guess, like the grand old trees, they are rooted to one spot.

From the wilderness we ferried back to big city: this time Seattle.  Much bigger and more built up than I remembered from visits twenty years ago.  Almost overpowering in downtown now, with giant skyscrapers of glass and stone.  Still, there was the old, more comfortable feel of its former, smaller self.  Seattle has so many attractions, it’s hard to pick and choose.  The Pacific Science Center was a dear old friend from my museum days, but we didn’t visit this time.  Instead we went to the Chihuly Glass Museum and Garden.  OMG.  Words can barely describe the beauty.

Again, it was hard to gauge the people since many were from other places.  But I think it’s safe to say that Seatte-ites are a bit cool, aloof, and keep to themselves, what with huddling under umbrellas and all.  Many carry a Starbucks coffee cup, however, which is no surprise.

And finally, we took Amtrak to Portland, Oregon.  Portland was a cozy, warm and friendly town, with lots of environmentally friendly businesses and people.  And then there’s Powell’s Bookstore, of course.  The most amazing place to spend some hours (days, even.)  They were nice enough to set out my bookmarks!

Portlanders like to chat.  They like to smile, despite the often gloomy weather.  And they have the greatest ice cream shop in the world.  “Salt and Straw,” where you can get a cone of salty, caramel ribbon ice cream.  My kind of people, indeed.

The next time you travel, study the setting, study the history and architecture, wildlife, museums, galleries, and gardens.  And study the people.  They could be the inspiration for your next characters.

How Do You Like Your Mysteries?

How Do You Like Your Mysteries?

Warm and cozy or gritty and dark?

In one of my blogs I discussed what novel writers can learn from screenwriters.  Well, it hit a nerve with all writers and I got many comments.  One comment referred to Broadchurch, the television series I mentioned as an example of good screen writing.  The reader who commented agreed that the series was excellent but stopped watching it after three episodes because it was so dark.

This started me thinking about other TV series as well as mystery novels that fit into that “dark” category.  And they are legion.  Let me name a few you might be familiar with:  Happy Valley, Hinterland, The Killing, The Missing, Dexter, The Escape Artist.  Then there are those I haven’t seen, mainly being turned off by the title:  Killer Couples, Murder on the Social Network, Married Single Dead, Slasher, I am Not a Serial Killer.  (Really?)

So what is about today’s mysteries (many of these series were books first) that compels authors to write such grisly, black, and freaky-scary scenarios? I believe that the transition from book to film has demanded heightened “grimness” for dramatic effect.  When a book becomes a movie, the dark elements are often played up.  And the villains are getting meaner and nastier all the time.

Don’t get me wrong.  The villains in novels can be just as rotten.  However, when you actually see the character in the flesh, so to speak, the villainy is enhanced.  Take a series called Happy Valley, a British psychological cop thriller.  Excellent series.  The villain, however, left such a lasting impression with me, that I have difficulty watching the actor in any other series.  Believe it or not, he’s the priest in Grantchester and I now find him hard to believe (as a good guy) after seeing him in Happy Valley.

But back to point.  There are still many series and books that have all the great attributes of a good mystery, both book and film, and are not as dark.  See if you agree: Inspector Lewis, Sherlock, Endeavour, The Bletchley Circle, Foyle’s War, Bosch, Midsomer Murders (okay, a little fluffy here.)  The Wallender mysteries and Elizabeth George’s Inspector Lynley.  Agatha Christie’s stories are also in this category.

To be a good mystery, must it make you throw up, weep, shake in your boots, or cause insomnia?  Or should it make you ponder, riddle-solve, and give you ingenious plot and character ideas for your next book?

I welcome your thoughts and ideas.

 

A Tragic Legacy of War

A Tragic Legacy of War

The transfer of works of art from vanquished to victor is as old as warfare itself.” 

                                                            . . . Lynn Nicolas, author of Rape of Europa

I open with this quote because it so aptly describes the events that began in the art world long before the outbreak of the second World War.  Hitler’s dream of a pure Germanic Empire included works of art and he determinedly set about purging those pieces he considered unsuitable.

“Entartete Kunst,” German for degenerate art

What was unsuitable?  Works that were “unfinished” or abstract, that did not depict reality.  Vasily Kandinsky.  Works by Jews. Camille Pisarro.  Works by leftists.  George Grosz.  Degenerate art they were called and exhibitions of them were set up to show the German people what not to like and admire.  Shows like “Entartete Kunst” in Munich in 1937 drew thousands.

Hermann Goering was one of the first in Hitler’s regime to recognize the commercial value of some of these works of art and amassed thousands of works for his own personal collection.   His “agent” took Van Gogh’s “Portrait of Dr. Gachet,” purged from a museum in Frankfurt, to sell in Holland.  The painting eventually found its way to New York and was sold for $82.5 million.

Alfred Rosenberg, a Nazi ideologue, set up the ERR, the Einsatzstab Reichsleiter Rosenberg, to systematically collect – confiscate or steal, to be more precise – works of art and artifacts from state museums, citizens and Jews, in particular.  Millions of pieces.

As the war came to an end, the Allies closed in.  With them were a handful of art-specialists called “monument men.”  Their job was to locate and salvage these precious works of art from Germany, Italy and France.  Every day these officers would find thousands of pieces on the verge of destruction.  They saved what they could; still many disappeared through looting.

The fate of thousands of objects is still unknown, even today.  One of those precious pieces is the subject of my book, Deadly Provenance.  It is Van Gogh’s painting, “Still Life: Vase with Oleanders,” which vanished in 1944.  Was it destroyed or is it hidden in someone’s secret art collection?  In someone’s garage waiting for a sale, perhaps?  Will it ever surface to please the world once more?

Can science and technology assist in authenticating the painting if ever it is found?  And if so, will it be restored to its rightful owner?  Provenance will tell.

Transforming an Idea Into a Novel

Transforming an Idea Into a Novel

I am about to embark on my seventh novel.  (Five books are currently in the marketplace, number six has been entered in the Malice Domestic competition.)

As you may know, I write historical mysteries that are solved today with modern science (had to combine my science museum background with my love of history!)  I’ve been often asked how I choose the topics for my book and the simple answer is this.  I select a time period and a real event in history to construct a mystery around.  In earlier books, I’ve used the Civil War, the Salem witch trials, the Nazi confiscation of art, and the tragic fire at the Triangle Shirtwaist Factory in New York City in 1911, as backdrops.

The modern story lines utilize current technology to resolve the ancient crimes: digital photography, arson forensics, scientific techniques for art authentication, and questioned document analysis, are examples.

For my next mystery, I take the reader back to the Spanish Inquisition, a turbulent time in world history, where heretics were forced to convert to Christianity or exiled from Spain and Portugal.

My main character will be Frank Mead, a New York City homicide detective who has appeared in each of my books.  He will have a new romantic interest, Rachel Bejarano, a research librarian at the NYC Public Library, who is on a quest to track down a mysterious necklace that is left to her by her Sephardic ancestors. (Rachel appears briefly in book six, Hart of Madness.)  Together they trace her ancestors to a small town in Spain (Cordoba, perhaps?) and the ancient Jewish quarter.

However, murder and mayhem stalks them every step of the way, from Madrid, where they start their investigation, to the glorious palace, Alhambra, in Granada. 

I’m sure you are chuckling as you read this, thinking, “Ahh, the writer gets to take a trip to Spain.”  Indeed.  Ain’t it grand?

Now the work begins:

Create the historic and modern story lines.

Draw the character sketches.

Research, research, research the locations, the history, the authentic characters of the time, the language, the food, the clothing, et al of 15th Century Spain.

For me, this is the most exciting time in the writing process: molding the essence of an idea into a rich and dramatic story. Writers, you know exactly what I mean.

I welcome ideas and thoughts about your process.