Words, Words, Words

The Washington Post published the winning submissions to its yearly neologism contest, in which readers are asked to supply alternate meanings for common words.  Kind of like the Fictionary game.  Too darn funny.  Here are the winners:

  1. Coffee (n.), the person upon whom one coughs.
  2. Flabbergasted (adj.), appalled over how much weight you have gained.
  3. Abdicate (v.), to give up all hope of having a flat stomach.
  4. Explanade (v.), to attempt an explanation while drunk.
  5. Willy-nilly (adj.), impotent.
  6. Negligent (adj.), describes a condition in which you absentmindedly answer the door in your nightgown.
  7. Lymph (v.), to walk with a lisp.
  8. Gargoyle (n.), gross olive-flavored mouthwash.
  9. Flatulence (n.), emergency vehicle that picks you up after you are run over by a steamroller.
  10. Balderdash (n.), a rapidly receding hairline.
  11. Rectitude (n.), the formal, dignified bearing adopted by proctologists.
  12. Pokemon (n.), a Rastafarian proctologist.
  13. Circumvent (n.), an opening in the front of boxer shorts worn by Jewish men.
  14. Frisbeetarianism (n.), the belief that when you die, your soul flies up onto the roof and gets stuck there.

people laughingI had to add another funny-ism here that a friend sent out on Facebook:

“When you are dead, you don’t know you are dead.  It is difficult only for others.

It is the same when you are stupid.”

Happy 2016!

A Wish List for the Future

I received this sweet poem in a Christmas card but am having trouble finding the poet.  The closest I can come is a similar poem by Helen Steiner Rice.  Both poems are lovely but if anyone knows who wrote the one below, please let me know.  Thanks and have a wonderful holiday!

christmas list 2

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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My Christmas Card List

There is a list of folks I know

All written in a book,

And every year at Christmas time

I go and take a look.

And this is when I realize

Those names are all a part,

Not of the book they’re written in

But deep inside my heart

 

For each name stands for someone

Who has touched my life sometime,

And in that meeting they’ve become

A special friend of mine.

I really feel that we’re composed

Of each remembered name,

And my life is so much better

Than it was before they came.

 

Once you’ve known that “someone”

All the years cannot erase,

The memory of a pleasant word

Or of a friendly face.

So never think my Christmas cards are just a mere routine,

Of names upon a list that are

Forgotten in between.

 

For when I send a Christmas card

That is addressed to you,

It is because you’re on the list

Of folks I’m indebted to.

And whether I have known you

For many years or few,

The greatest gift that life can give

Is having friends like you.

War and Peace in a Day

When it started, World War I was predicted to last only a few weeks.  (The same was true of the Civil War, by the way.) Instead, by December of 1914, WWI had already claimed nearly a million lives. In fact, over fifteen million died in a war that dragged on for four miserable years.

christmas truce 2But a remarkable thing happened on December 24, 1914.  The front fell silent except for the singing of Silent Night.  A truce!  There are many examples of truces during wars, but none as famous as this one.  The Christmas Truce of 1914.

In the Ypres region of Belgium on Christmas Eve, guns stopped, leaving a deathly silence across the fields.  Then suddenly the British watched in astonishment as Germans began to set tiny trees along their trench lines.  Soon a familiar tune with unfamiliar words carried across No Man’s Land, the battered and desolate space between the enemies.  Silent Night.  Stille Nacht.

Soon the British were singing along with the Germans.  Soldiers on both sides crawled out of their trenches to meet in the middle and greet their enemy.  They exchanged cigarettes and souvenirs.  Perhaps a drink or two.  And they collected their dead and wounded, carrying them back to their respective sides.

Peace for the day.  Only one day because the next day they were back killing each other.  Is there something wrong with this picture?

The story of the Christmas Truce came to my attention after reading the non-fiction, To End All Wars: A Story of Loyalty and Rebellion, 1914-1918, by Adam Hochschild, an amazing story of WWI.  I highly recommend. http://www.amazon.com/End-All-Wars-Rebellion-1914-1918/dp/B008PIC0T8/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1356046840&sr=1-1&keywords=to+end+all+wars

I’ll leave you with this thought.   If Christmas can bring together mortal enemies for a day, why not for a week, a month, a year or longer?  Or forever?

I hope you click on the youtubes below.  They will make you sad and happy but most of all hopeful.  Wishing you a happy holiday and a prosperous and healthy New Year.

Belleau Wood: Christmas Truce by Garth Brooks. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Xy9lg0aAhlE

Christmas Truce 1914, Music with captions to tell the story. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qsCpLMPI7IY

Behind the Christmas Story: The Christmas Truce http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mgLcvjA8NDk

Christmas Truce of 1914. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=p05E_ohaQGk

An Irreverent Poem . . . But Fun!

For my blog this week, I thought I’d spotlight one of my favorite humorists, Ogden Nash.  For those of you unfamiliar with this witty poet, he is often remembered for his short but clever poems such as:

“The trouble with a kitten is that. . . eventually it becomes a cat.”

Or: “Candy is dandy, but liquor is quicker.”

So in honor of the coming holidays, here is:

santa and boy“The Boy Who Laughed at Santa Claus.”  Enjoy.

In Baltimore there lived a boy,
He wasn’t anybody’s joy.
Although his name was Jabez Dawes,
His character was full of flaws.
In school he never led his classes,
He hid old ladies’ reading glasses,
His mouth was open when he chewed,
And elbows to the table glued.

He stole the milk of hungry kittens,
And walked through doors marked No Admittance.
He said he acted thus because
There wasn’t any Santa Claus.
Another trick that tickled Jabez
Was crying “Boo!” at little babies.
He brushed his teeth, they said in town,
Sideways instead of up and down.

Yet people pardoned every sin,
And viewed his antics with a grin,
Till they were told by Jabez Dawes,
“There isn’t any Santa Claus!”
Deploring how he did behave,
His parents swiftly sought their grave.
They hurried through the portals pearly,
And Jabez left the funeral early.

Like whooping cough, from child to child,
He sped to spread the rumor wild:
“Sure as my name is Jabez Dawes
There isn’t any Santa Claus!”
Slunk like a weasel or a marten
Through nursery and kindergarten,
Whispering low to every tot,
“There isn’t any, no there’s not!”

santa3The children wept all Christmas Eve
And Jabez chortled up his sleeve.
No infant dared to hang up his stocking
For fear of Jabez’ ribald mocking.
He sprawled on his untidy bed,
Fresh malice dancing in his head,
When presently with scalp a-tingling,
Jabez heard a distant jingling;
He heard the crunch of sleigh and hoof
Crisply alighting on the roof.

What good to rise and bar the door?
A shower of soot was on the floor.
What was beheld by Jabez Dawes?
The fireplace full of Santa Claus!
Then Jabez fell upon his knees
With cries of “Don’t,” and “Pretty please.”
He howled, “I don’t know where you read it,
But anyhow, I never said it!”

“Jabez,” replied the angry saint,
“It isn’t I, it’s you that ain’t.
Although there is a Santa Claus,
There isn’t any Jabez Dawes!”
Said Jabez with impudent vim,
“Oh, yes there is; and I am him!
Your magic don’t scare me, it doesn’t”–
And suddenly he found he wasn’t!

From grimy feet to grimy locks,
Jabez became a Jack-in-the-box,
An ugly toy with springs unsprung,
Forever sticking out his tongue.
The neighbors heard his mournful squeal;
They searched for him, but not with zeal.
No trace was found of Jabez Dawes,
Which led to thunderous applause,
And people drank a loving cup
And went and hung their stockings up.

All you who sneer at Santa Claus,
Beware the fate of Jabez Dawes,
The saucy boy who mocked the saint.
Donder and Blitzen licked off his paint.

Ogden Nash